Author: Mayumi Remengesau

What does success mean to you? My answer to this has changed at almost every chapter of my life. I used to think being successful meant following in my parents’ footsteps. I thought I would be successful if I was a person for the people. I thought being successful is being able to provide even beyond your own family. I wasn’t wrong. There is no one right answer. But was it the right thing for me? Somewhat, but not entirely. I was too invested in that mindset and in turn, put too much pressure on myself. I would lose myself before I get to even explore who I am meant to be. And I almost did. My mom knows me too well. She legit has spidey senses and seems to know what to say when I’m feeling down. She once said to me, “Ask what Mayumi wants. Don’t think of what me and Bapa want”. “You have to put Mayumi first”. Imagine my relief hearing that. It lifted off a belief so heavily weighted in my heart, and it was a small but important step in my journey of healing.

I just want to make my parents proud. But all they wanted was for me to follow my own path. I couldn’t help it. I was a people pleaser and that meant putting myself and my needs in the back seat for years. Dedicating my time and attention to being productive in so many ways, being there for people even if it meant not doing what I wanted or needed to do (sometimes for the wrong people). Could you imagine how exhausting? But when you’re actually in it, you don’t realize how much you are overworking yourself, how many roles you have taken on, and how much of yourself you are suppressing. Until.. You just break. Nothing seems to register. It’s hard to stay focused. You have so much to think about that it feels like an out of body experience (and not the good kind). What used to give me joy, I no longer had motivation to do. I wasn’t me . I thought I was doing great because I was being productive when in reality, my over-productivity was worsening my mental and in turn physical health. It was a reaction to buried traumas that needed to be dealt with. Feelings that needed to be acknowledged. Pain and sadness ignored in order to make others happy.

I thought something was wrong with me. And there was. Not with who I am, but with my mind. My mind was begging for help and it started to show. The first and hardest step to healing is realizing and accepting the fact that you are not okay. The second is reaching out for help. Being the strong ass woke ass woman I was, I did both. And a new chapter of my life began. Healing can take months and years. But knowing that there’s light at the end of the tunnel can be comforting. By being committed to getting better for yourself and loved ones [in whichever form that may be], the clouds in your mind will slowly clear up and your days will start to feel much brighter. However, having access to the right kind of help is a privilege and a blessing that may not always be available to everyone. Sometimes it requires us to reach out to people beyond our own circles, searching for resources not readily available, or taking it upon ourselves to speak to a professional or someone we trust. Sometimes we can’t do it alone and might need someone to lean on for support. Enduring life’s obstacles is truly success in itself. 

My view of success has changed. I am no longer trying to fit into the mold people expect me to be. It is toxic, unhealthy, and unworthy of my time and energy. I am no longer asking myself what I should do that will make my parents proud, but what I want to do that will make ME happy. Setting goals that reflect my values and priorities. Embracing this crazy but wonderful journey and not obsessing over the future. What success looks like to me now is much healthier, much clearer, and a whole lot of who I am and who I aim to be. It could still change though, for as long as I’m growing as a person. All I can say to you is what I would say to myself: Give yourself more credit for coming this far in life without giving up. Speak more kindly to yourself. Don’t feel pressured to be perfect because you are already enough. Don’t ever feel guilty for making yourself and your well-being a priority. You don’t have to neglect your mental and physical needs to be there for others. Be present and be grateful. It’s easier said than done, for sure. But you are brave and strong and loved. You fucking got this!  At the end of the day, the people who love and care about you just want you to be happy. And you deserve to be.

So what does success mean to me?, “asked no one ever”. Success to me is being able to support my family, being physically and mentally healthy, getting married to the love of my life, and doing what I love everyday whilst making a positive impact. To summarize, success to me is being happy with a life I created for myself.

What’s yours?

Do you consider language an important part of upholding your identity? Being bilingual, for me, has been a blessing and a curse. “…Outside of the United States, the majority of the world’s population is bilingual or multilingual” (2016). I have grown up in a household that spoke both Palauan and English. This verbal environment is, in fact, common in Palauan households and schools. Parents and educators are compelled to teach children Palauan in order to preserve the language, as well as English, so that they may better navigate themselves in foreign land. Because of the fusion of these two distinct languages, growing up, I feel I didn’t truly invest in mastering one language. This has prevented me from speaking up many times. Currently, language seems the least to truly define who I am, and I would like to change that. It is a space for improvement; and with practice and dedication, I could be confident enough to speak up in Palauan and English, upholding my Palauan heritage as well as using English to propel myself through professional and personal settings. Language truly is an integral part of my cultural identity.

Countless times have gone in class where I would practice my answer in English constantly in my head, but then a more confident student would raise their hand to voice their answer. I hated the times no one even got the answer right, and I had the answer all along but was too shy to say it out loud and risk pronouncing it wrong. Hanging out with my Palauan speaking friends— it’s the same problem: being ashamed to speak up. I sometimes hold back on stories to tell, because I wouldn’t know how to translate it into Palauan. Sometimes, I don’t feel I’m Palauan enough when it comes to mingling with older relatives, such as my aunts and uncles, at family gatherings. Sometimes, I don’t feel I’m good enough when having to do speeches in college. And to add to that, they say I have a heavy accent? Then, who am I when I speak? Whom do I represent when I speak, without having to say where I come from? Although Burton (2018) reports that “high-level bilingualism is associated with extra earnings of about $3,000 a year” and “there is mounting evidence that bi- and multi-lingual people are better at analyzing their surroundings, multitasking, and problem solving,” I personally feel being bilingual has impaired my ability to merge my two souls into one identity, because Palauan and English are so different from each other. Reflecting on this, it’s an unfortunate position to be in and action needs to be taken before I end up with some sort of identity crisis. I’m honestly fed up with losing my chance at making people laugh or sharing my culture with others, because I lack the self-confidence to do so. Not to mention, this does not work well with my participation points in class.

My present-day struggle stems from my home country, Palau, going through a gradual language and cultural shift. Palau is a small tropical island in the western Pacific with a population of over 21,000 people. In the article published on the website BBC News, “Palau Profile- timeline” reports that its first inhabitants are believed to have come from present-day eastern Indonesia in 2500 BC. In 1783 Captain Henry Wilson shipwrecked in Palau; while rebuilding his vessel, Britain is introduced to Palau as a trading partner. However, in 1885, Spain took over, but later sold Palau to Germany who exploited native workers to mine for phosphate and work in coconut plantations. When Japan won over Germany in 1914, they took over Palau and began developments such as businesses, roads, and schools (2018). It was at this time Palauans were introduced to reading and writing within a classroom. During World War II, Japan’s control over Palau ended when the United States attacked and won over the Japanese military in Palau. The Palau Visitors Authority informs us that the United States continued on to improve infrastructures and the educational system as part of an agreement with Palau, a United Nations Trust Territory at the time, to make it self-sufficient (2019). United States propaganda began to be imposed on Palauans. Hence, English began to be taught in schools. One elderly Palauan who attended elementary school at the time recalls, “School was taught in English, but it was not a really good English. We were using Palauan English until the Peace Corps came, and then it really improved” (Herman, 2003). Tracing back history, it was the United States that paved the way for the westernized education (instruction and textbooks) still used in Palau today. The United States controlled Palau until its independence on October 1st, 1994. However, we still rely on foreign imports and U.S. currency. So, English since its introduction, has been taught in order for Palauans to understand the products, tools, and technology that make up their surroundings.

It is of crucial importance that we acknowledge the complex fact that Palau has overcome but has been influenced by foreign rule. Multigenerational households consist of grandparents, parents, children, and even grand children who were taught and raised in different learning environments both at home and school. Now, we have homes with generations speaking and writing at different levels of Palauan and English, influencing a child’s speech development. With globalization in effect, i.e. exposure to social media, adaptation of western ideals, and English instructed classrooms; as well as our main industry, tourism, demanding more multilingual employees to cater to tourist influx, there is higher possibility the Palauan language will not survive. Additionally, we live at a time where the younger generations plan to leave Palau in search of work or higher education. As a result, there is lesser practice of the Palauan language; you cannot preserve a language, if you are not practicing it. Modernization and cultural preservation need to work in harmony for Palauans to both advance in society and still be true to who they are.

It seems history is repeating itself with my nephews who live in the same house. It’s report card day. My dad sits at the head of the dining table, squinting even with his reading glasses on. He focuses attentively to each grade and subject on the seventh and eighth grader’s report card. An expression I know all too well clouds his face. An expression that says, “I’m so disappointed in you, because I know you can do better!” He calls on my two nephews, “Kual! Imrur!” They take their seats at the dining table, heads down to avoid eye contact. They get scolded first for their lower grades, then commended for their higher grades. What subject did they struggle with? Palauan. All while my dad is disciplining them, telling them to study more Palauan, to respond in Palauan, my dad is speaking in…. English. Is it clear where the problem begins? It’s not the children, it’s the environment in which they were raised.

Nonetheless, I’ve reached an age of maturity where putting the blame on someone is not considered a solution to my problem. I’m old enough to take it on myself to read more if it helps expand my English vocabulary, look up the definition of words in Palauan music, or simply play word games. There are many young people, like myself, who feel they own a worthy voice, but an unworthy tongue; I have seen it, firsthand, with my own friends who have difficulty articulating their thoughts and elaborating further on a topic. As a matter of fact, Palauan culture revolves around oral tradition. It wasn’t until the early 1970s that “Latin-based alphabet for Palauan was devised by the Palau Orthography Committee and linguists from the University of Hawaii…” (Palauan, 2019). It is oral tradition that has preserved and passed down our language. Shouldn’t my friends and I be excelling, then, in spoken word? I wouldn’t want my nephews, Kual and Imrur, to grow up feeling like they’re only half of who they are—not being able to have language tie them back to their Palauan roots. Therefore, before they even start to feel out of place as I do, we’ll both take on this challenge together. While I teach myself Palauan and English, I’ll pass on to them what I have learned. That way, the next generation will be able to inherit our beautiful language.

Being a bilingual speaker has helped me become a little less ignorant and a lot more knowledgeable. I only hope that I’ll be able to sharpen both my Palauan and English, so I can use them effectively at school, work, and amongst my peers and new people. Bilingualism puts me one step ahead of many monolingual speakers, so it is only wise I improve on my speaking and writing and use it to my advantage. With modernization taking full effect on our small island nation, I urge Palauan parents to find a balance in teaching their children Palauan and English. Prevent your kids from carrying the burden of bilingualism, and instead, to reap of its blessings. Both Palauan and English are needed for different experiences and people, so it is crucial that parents and their children invest time and money in learning both languages. I hope children will grow up to use bilingualism as a tool towards success, a key to new perspectives, and a guide through our diverse world.

References

Benefits of Bilingualism. (2016). Retrieved from https://www.northwestern.edu/magazine/spring2015/campuslife/benefits-of-bilingualism.html

Burton, N., M.D. (n.d.). Beyond Words: The Benefits of Being Bilingual. Retrieved from        https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201807/beyond-words-the-benefits-being-bilingual

Herman, R. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.pacificworlds.com/palau/memories/memory2.cfm

History & Culture. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.pristineparadisepalau.com/history-culture/

Palau profile – timeline. (2018, June 11). Retrieved from https://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-15446663

Palauan (a tekoi er a Belau). (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.omniglot.com/writing/palauan.htm

My professor asked me for the second time if I could be interviewed by a student for their Anthropology paper; for the second time, it was my pleasure to say yes! So, I met Balham, a fellow USF student, and he somehow knew the right questions to really fire me up. I talked about aspects of Palau’s matrilineal society, our government, and my own experience as an international student. The interview was over. But, we walked out of the library still extending conversations from our interview. St. Ignatius Church was right in front of the library, also on campus grounds. Seeing it reminded me that he mentioned Catholicism during the interview and so I asked to confirm if he was, in which he responded that he ONCE was.

It seemed like the perfect timing. Now, walking by the Church and the statue of Lady of Lourdes Grotto praying on her knees, right in the corner of my eye; Balham continues to tell me of how Catholics, in efforts to colonize and catholicize, burned almost all of the Mayan’s written records. Today, ONLY THREE Mayan books remain. Then and there, all the sudden, this Church physically on my right, didn’t seem so much on “the Right Hand of the Father”. I felt so disappointed. I’m aware of and acknowledge the corruption and unethical acts that have occurred within the Catholic church. This one in particular was just unheard of back in high school’s religion class. I could only imagine the descendants of Mayans wanting so badly to connect to their ancestors, to have proof of their heritage, but having such a big part of it missing. It’s like losing a loved one and not having anything to remind you of them. It really hit home for me in that our ancestors were, too, once hegemonized. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not disregarding or have forgotten the Church’s accomplishments in the name of God and love and truth. I’m not converting either. I just question if confirming myself as a Catholic served my morals right. But thinking it over, the world is made to have flaws. Just like each human has flaws, so do religions. It’s now a matter of being part of the solution, instead of the problem. So, is confirming myself a Catholic serving my morals right? The answer is: IF I allow it to. Being Catholic doesn’t mean I condone its past, present, or future wrong doings. More so, as a Catholic, I’m more motivated to prevent an event as sad as that from happening again. For the Mayans, I only pray they restore their roots, just as us Palauans are doing after decades of colonization and evangelization.

Additionally, for us Palauans, a lot of what we consider normal, are what so many people wish they had or still had. Things like passports, places like museums — that recognize us for who we truly are. Our oral tradition, despite its risks of misinterpretation, has managed to preserve language, traditions and knowledge as complex as medicine and astronomy. The beauty of our system is that it cannot be burned; no religion can detach it from our identity. Oral tradition is our identity’s “right hand”— and because of it, we are more confident that the future of our Palauan identity be unshaken. The faith I have in our oral tradition is unwavering. And my belief within ALL walks of faith, from Christianity to Islam, is that what is good, what is love, and what is right will eventually overcome all, without the threat to a culture’s prosperity.

Thank you Balham for compelling me to reflect on my own religion and culture.

I will never forget when my eldest brother told me sel kusiik ra mo bechik ea kusiik ra chad el di uai ngii. I will never ever forget when my dad told me sel kusiik ra bechik eng kirel chad el meduch el ngara chei meng sechel “take care” ra rengelekel, bechil, mar chedal. Seeing my sister’s husband stay up late nights watching Arirang with my mom, seeing my dad tease my mom on the daily, seeing my brothers bond with their children, seeing how fun my uncles can be (drunk and sober hehe), I start to wonder what my future husband would be like. There’s no perfect man out there, but a man who reminds me of the “sechal buiks” in my life, I would say is a prospective candidate hehe.

WARNING: This was not written in the beat of “Dear Future Husband” by Meghan Trainor so I suggest you do not attempt to read it in that manner hehehehe.

Dear Future Husband,

I’m not in a rush nor do I expect you to step forward from the crowd. Allow me to first paint the canvas of my identity, to discover the hidden treasures within myself. I think of it foolish hoping for a man when I myself am a girl still making sense of womanhood. In a father’s eye, no one will be good enough for his daughter. In a mother’s eye, no man can hold her daughter’s heart as carefully as her father and brother. Intimidated yet? Hehe. So, future husband, if you and I know we’re truly deserving of each other, you’d be brave enough to be yourself not just around me, but my family as well. And… “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends” [Sorry I just had to add this in here, I mean, it’s an iconic song]. Nonetheless, this is not a list of expectations or of getting to know me. To learn and to love another lies in experiencing one’s existence, living in each other’s reality and dreams. This letter is simply a letter of hope and to make known that you exist. And honestly, hopefully you’re Palauan cause soak al betok ar cousins ra rengeleked. I [not yet] love you.

Ma laters,

Yumi

It’s easy to feel discouraged and to lose hope in finding the right one or even just getting into a relationship, especially when [reality check] cheating is constant news in Palau. However, all of the unpleasant banishes when thinking of my nephews having the sweetest and sensitive of hearts, growing into gentlemen and being pretty damn good at spear fishing. Naturally, a smile of hope appears on my face.

We tend to take people for granted when we know they’ve secured a place in our life. We do appreciate them (that’s without question), yet we neglect them. We sometimes say “I love you” only after they’ve done something for us. Sometimes forgetting the last time we’ve even said those three words. Don’t wait until it’s too late to make up for lost times is what I’m trying to say. It’s easy to get distracted in our own agendas and living life how we want to, that we become blind to the people who actually want to be part of our journey. Man, the guilt I feel is over whelming when I look back at times I could have visited my grandma and have some wisdom passed down to me or the times I could have cancelled plans to help a family member at home. So yes, writing this I have my family in mind.

My mom would always say, “Hoooii, sel’k mad, you’re gonna say ulekum a mommy mlartiang el ouchais er kid el kmo de mekerang.” I wanna spend as much time with my mom and dad so that when they are gone one day, I would have talked and spent time with them enough to not say “ulekum this… ulekum that…” I realised something with my parents that I’m sure most of you can relate. Our parents are one of the most vocal people in our lives. Yet, they also hold back the most. They could scold us, give us advice, tell stories, ask questions, but when it comes to what they need and how they are, it’s almost unheard of. Or when they see how much you want to do something, they’d let you do it even if it means they’ll be on the edge of their seat the whole time. So, to our parents and to any loved one actually, ask them, “How are you?” and DON’T accept a “I’m good.” Have them think it through, even if it means asking more questions. Because with a simple act like that, showing that you’re willing to listen, you’re willing to dedicate the time of day to them, to actually be present in their life, your loved one would feel like an actual “loved” one. And it’s not rocket science that we exude happiness when we receive love—  and what is more satisfying than knowing you are the reason behind that?

Decade after decade, we (Palau) were oppressed by some of the most powerful nations in the world! The fact that we now, today, at this moment, have the privilege to say we are an independent people says a whole lot about our people! And you know what it says? It says that we are resilient! Our language, our traditions, our values, and even our environment are still very much vibrant and vigorous! Would you look at that! Our little island nation DID THAT! Now would you appreciate that?! Because so many other people, today, are still fighting for their freedom. Think of robust btaches, hundreds of years old. The only way it’s able to stand tall is by the support of its roots. We stand tall because of our roots. Our ancestors embraced and absorbed the bounty of both land and  sea, claimed it to become their own. From this, our ancestors sowed the seeds of our identity— Palauan. Now, it is our duty to pollinate that very seed in the new generations.

Reality check: What is worse than being colonized by foreigners? Experiencing colonization within our own people. How does that even work eh Mayumi? It shouldn’t be a surprise, because we have allowed western ideals to overrun our traditional ideals, and to prevent “overrun” from becoming “overrule”, we should take the initiative to gradually but firmly establish our culture and traditions in the minds of Palau’s children. Workshops where the youth learn how to carve, make tools, or even cook; volunteer opportunities with local businesses and organizations; strengthening Palauan studies in schools; but in the end, it really starts from the home.

Expressing love for our country and people comes in different forms: giving back to the community, serving our people, representing our culture, taking care of our resources, and more. Being away from home, my strongest form of expression has been through my minor in Anthropology — being able to share stories of our culture and history, contributing a unique perspective in class discussions and essays. I’m so grateful for an opportunity to share and showcase the beauty of Palau and at the same time, learn how to preserve and protect our identity.

Is it weird that one of my fave songs is our anthem? We’ve heard it sung solo, by students, by church choirs, and by Palau’s artists. No matter who sings it, it holds true to who and what it represents. For the lionhearted men and women who fought for our independence with thunder and might: you are the champions of decolonization, and I only hope and pray we, your successors, will have just as much and more of brave, unwavering spirits. Because with each Independence Day celebrated, it is also a reminder to continue defending our culture, our land, and our identity.

Thank you to those who reclaimed our land and thank you to those who continue to lift Palau and her people up in the light.

Have you ever taken a picture and was like “Ew I don’t look good/I look so fat”? Fast forward time… you’re going through old photos of yourself and realize: “God damn, I didn’t even look that bad.” And now you take pictures of yourself and think: “Efff… the hell happened to you?” I bet another few months or years from now, I’m gonna look back and think to myself why I put myself down so much! Hopefully, that’s the day I’ll truly love myself. My sister knows and so do my closest friends, that when it comes to what I wear and how I look, I’m sooooo self conscious! No matter how many times I ask if I look okay and I hear a clear yes, I’m never truly satisfied. Why? Because I’m still learning to love myself. Insecurities sure know how to get the best of us. One moment you feel confident, sexy and beautiful walking into Surangel (sometimes I go to Surangel just so that my outfit of the day doesn’t go to waste 😅) and one day you’re naked standing in front of the mirror feeling like an alien mutation. Actually that’s too much, I’ll just say poop. You’re probably wondering how in the hell I could possibly degrade myself that much [hehe], but that’s the reality of being exposed to and influenced by what media deems as the ideal perception of beauty.

How can I pull myself out of something so deep? How can I convince myself that I’m beautiful? People turn to diets, make up, shopping, and even plastic surgery. We all handle it in different ways, and I only hope and pray that the steps we take towards self love are safe, healthy, and ever so gracious and tender.

It’s so easy to say that someone else is beautiful, yet so hard to convince  ourselves that we, too, are beautiful. From experience, I learned that most of what I worried about with my body, people could care less about, literally giving no flying fart (for example, stretch marks). So, for the sake of self love! Calling men and women alike! Let’s help each other focus our energy on what truly defines our beauty like improving our values or eating healthier.

Writing this, I envision my mom and dad smiling together in my head and I  think to myself what a wonderful world (just kidding the song came up in my head) but in all seriousness I think, “Wow! How powerful is the love they share, that life itself was created out of it!” No one else can be this unique fusion of Tommy and Debbie! I was made with love, I’m filled with love, and I want to share this love! That energy and spirit within me resonates beyond any of my physical attributes, surpassing any false image media forces on me, and that makes me beautiful.